Arensky

Oh goodness. I have not written in a while. I guess I'm not very good at this whole blogging thing. Well, lately, it's been kind of weird. I'm starting to realize that I might have a little social phobia. I have people who diagnose themselves as with problems, especially those dumb people who blame their grades on their "ADD". And thanks to Webmd, social phobia causes feelings of anxiety when speaking in public, or working in groups. I can totally speak in front of any group, and I don't have a problem with group work. It's more, social outings that I'm a little more nervous about. Webmd als says a person will be afraid of making mistakes in public. Totally me. I don't know if I'm afraid.. but I just don't like going to those outings. Like a "kickback", going to a party where I only know a few people, or meeting a few people for drinks. It's childish, but I've turned some of those invitations down, because I get so nervous about making some little mistake.

I've realized I need structure. In high school, I became very used to assigned seating, assigned groups, etc. When the teacher would suddenly announce that we could sit anywhere we wanted, I remember feeling very panicky. Maybe it was because I was still growing into myself, but even if I had friends, I would think, what if all the seats are taken near them? What if I have to end up sitting all by myself in the back next to weird people? What will people think?? I like swim team because there is a set to do; water polo- anything goes. I like lifeguarding in general, because there doesn't leave much time for socializing- just watching the pool. Occupational therapy has structure- helping a patient, which I can totally do.

I do believe I found a place to volunteer! And hopefully get in 40 hours, yay me! It's in a nursing home, which isn't ideal for me.. but I've basically tried everywhere else. It's so freaking ridiculous. Who doesn't want a volunteer in this economy, seriously. Either hospitals want a minimum of 100 hours, and look down at you because you only need 40, or they just won't return your calls. Neither will any clinics I've tried. So, Willow Glen Hospital is pulling through!

Things are better with Natan and I. We talked, I still feel as though he's a little heart broken, which I guess is normal, even though I never thought I'd ever break anyone's heart. It's weird- for a small amount of time, I thought I could see myself marrying him.. but not dating him. Now, I'm not so sure. If I was a needy girl, he would be perfect for me. He would get my absolutely anything I asked for; If I asked him to come over at 3 AM, he would, which is what he did for Ann. He would wait for me to be done with classes. He'd be a good boyfriend. IF I was needy. But I am not. After Kyle, I feel like I've set my standards higher; my future boyfriend needs to be doing something his present and future life. I'm sick of wasting my time with stupid relationships. Natan is sweet, and one of the best friends I've got. But I feel like he just wants a girlfriend to feel... competent?? I don't know.. like there's some image he has to uphold? Gosh I don't know. I don't feel as though I need to have anyone in my life. I know Kyle was dumb, and he was completely missing out. But I still can't help but think, that's what I wasted my time on? I was dumb, always texting him, blowing people off to hang out with him. Then he complains about his super hard history major, and we break up like it was a movie the whole freaking time. Is that what Natan's trying to do? Relive a movie? Relive Ann???? Plus, he's the one I've cried to just as much as Laura. How can I whine about my life, then date him??? No.

Well, off to study neuroanatomy and contemplate where I'm living over the summer and next semester. Oh yeah, that's been on my mind too. But another day

chop em down, chop em down

In the hopes of getting back into shape, I'm joining a masters swim club starting at 7:15 tomorrow. I want this to work, because I miss swimming a lot. And it's early- that means no partying for me! Like I do anyway. I really don't like living in the dorms this year, for that reason. At this stage in my life, I don't want to go to lame parties and get drunk. Occassionally, I want to go to bars. Then I want a roommate that understands that sometimes I need to stay in and not be distracted. I love Laura to death- we're just such opposite majors with opposite schedules. I wish I could find a roommate who was a nursing major or something. That would be ideal!
I might have also found a place to volunteer! I went with my friend Becky, who I met through Cole. She's already in the OT program, and I would love to be with her. It kind of sucks.. I'm not sure if I've accepted yet that I might not get in.. I want to, but knowing myself... I could easily not pass a class.
Ahhhh speaking of not passing, our first physio test is Monday and Tuesday!!!!!! I'm so scared.. but luckily I've found a study group, and we're going to study all weekend.. hopefully it will help me out.
Other than that, Jennifer wants me to practice for a whole freaking hour every day. Ummm I wish that were possible.
My chamber group is really fun. Becky is in that too, along with three other music majors, but their all really chill. It's nice to be in a group where you can be yourself and still work together to make music. It's interesting- one of my friends from youth orchestra is always facebooking or texting me, asking how everything is. And just a few days ago, she told me how she's going San Francisco State in the fall. When I asked if she was bringing her cello, half jokingly, she was like "NOOOO." I don't know... we were kind of on the same level- at one point she was even better than I was. I guess I just love playing that much. To keep playing after all these years.
Ok well, off to try and understand physio some more!
Sorry this wasn't very exciting. Right now my life is kind of like school, work, study. And then maybe swim?

astrocytes and my orange cello

It's been a frustrating semester already. Neuroanatomy is so complicated, and I don't understand physiology. This are the only two things I need to get into the occupational therapy program. (oh yeah, and more volunteer hours. But that's being taken care of.) And I'm not sure who I'm trying to be. I've never been the best, and the OT majors in neuro all want A's and just GET everything. You know, when it all clicks into place, you get it. I've never been that way. And I'm starting to think.. what patient wants an occupational therapist like me? I don't know what to do. All I can do is struggle through this material, and keep focused, I suppose. It's hard to be optimistic sometimes. This major is so hard, I'm really wondering if I can do this. Astrocytes are star shaped macroglial cells found all throughout the body that provide support, and give calcium to neighboring cells. I like astrocytes, and wish I could have way more in my life.

So I've never really blogged before. But my name is Kate Fisher, and I am a junior at San Jose State, majoring in pre-occupational therapy, with a minor in music. I generally care for others, and hope that they do the same for me in return. I love playing my cello. I'm no world class future musician, but I like to think it can help me in the future. I don't want a relationship. I have enough of my own issues at the moment to deal with. I don't need anyone elses. I work at the Aquatic Center as a lifeguard. I like to swim, occasionally to save lives.. it's a perfect college job. I used to do competitive judo, but that was a while ago. Sometimes I'm much happier alone. I'm only just learning to study in groups; I'm used to studying by myself, sometimes more gets done. But anyway, here's an attempt of "blogging."

I'm in a difficult position. Just when I've declared myself self-sufficient, my best friend declares he likes me. Maybe one day, I'll like him back. But like said above, now is not the time. I hope this gets resolved, because even though this isn't a fight, I want my friend back.

I guess what's also really been bothering me, is the fact that not everything is going according to plan. My plan was go to college, do the prerequisites for OT, get in, be happy and successful. Obviously, that's a shortened exaggeration. But I find myself talking to G-d alot. I figure, and I hope this isn't too non-Jewish of me, that He knows what's in store for me. And I keep asking G-d, if I'm doing all this work, if I keep volunteering, if I keep helping all the people I can, if I genuinely care about school this much, if I'm freaking kosher, why is this so difficult? If I'm doing everything right for others, why isn't it all right for me?

The other things that anger me are Palestine, Michael Phelps getting caught with a bong, and fucking Chris Brown.

Let's hope this keeps working!