Arensky

Oh goodness. I have not written in a while. I guess I'm not very good at this whole blogging thing. Well, lately, it's been kind of weird. I'm starting to realize that I might have a little social phobia. I have people who diagnose themselves as with problems, especially those dumb people who blame their grades on their "ADD". And thanks to Webmd, social phobia causes feelings of anxiety when speaking in public, or working in groups. I can totally speak in front of any group, and I don't have a problem with group work. It's more, social outings that I'm a little more nervous about. Webmd als says a person will be afraid of making mistakes in public. Totally me. I don't know if I'm afraid.. but I just don't like going to those outings. Like a "kickback", going to a party where I only know a few people, or meeting a few people for drinks. It's childish, but I've turned some of those invitations down, because I get so nervous about making some little mistake.

I've realized I need structure. In high school, I became very used to assigned seating, assigned groups, etc. When the teacher would suddenly announce that we could sit anywhere we wanted, I remember feeling very panicky. Maybe it was because I was still growing into myself, but even if I had friends, I would think, what if all the seats are taken near them? What if I have to end up sitting all by myself in the back next to weird people? What will people think?? I like swim team because there is a set to do; water polo- anything goes. I like lifeguarding in general, because there doesn't leave much time for socializing- just watching the pool. Occupational therapy has structure- helping a patient, which I can totally do.

I do believe I found a place to volunteer! And hopefully get in 40 hours, yay me! It's in a nursing home, which isn't ideal for me.. but I've basically tried everywhere else. It's so freaking ridiculous. Who doesn't want a volunteer in this economy, seriously. Either hospitals want a minimum of 100 hours, and look down at you because you only need 40, or they just won't return your calls. Neither will any clinics I've tried. So, Willow Glen Hospital is pulling through!

Things are better with Natan and I. We talked, I still feel as though he's a little heart broken, which I guess is normal, even though I never thought I'd ever break anyone's heart. It's weird- for a small amount of time, I thought I could see myself marrying him.. but not dating him. Now, I'm not so sure. If I was a needy girl, he would be perfect for me. He would get my absolutely anything I asked for; If I asked him to come over at 3 AM, he would, which is what he did for Ann. He would wait for me to be done with classes. He'd be a good boyfriend. IF I was needy. But I am not. After Kyle, I feel like I've set my standards higher; my future boyfriend needs to be doing something his present and future life. I'm sick of wasting my time with stupid relationships. Natan is sweet, and one of the best friends I've got. But I feel like he just wants a girlfriend to feel... competent?? I don't know.. like there's some image he has to uphold? Gosh I don't know. I don't feel as though I need to have anyone in my life. I know Kyle was dumb, and he was completely missing out. But I still can't help but think, that's what I wasted my time on? I was dumb, always texting him, blowing people off to hang out with him. Then he complains about his super hard history major, and we break up like it was a movie the whole freaking time. Is that what Natan's trying to do? Relive a movie? Relive Ann???? Plus, he's the one I've cried to just as much as Laura. How can I whine about my life, then date him??? No.

Well, off to study neuroanatomy and contemplate where I'm living over the summer and next semester. Oh yeah, that's been on my mind too. But another day